Go Wagga Wagga!

Ahem. I have an incy-wincy poem in print and not wishing to blow my own trumpet (course!)I just thought I'd include a mention for it here on my little-seen, barely-read blog.

The publication 'fourW' is Australia's longest-running anthology publishing poetry and prose and I'm chuffed to bits to be included alongside such luminaries as Alicia Sometimes, Ivy Alvarez, Daniel King, Laurinda Motion, i.j.oog, Phillip Muldoon, Joan Cahill and others.

If you're not in Oz or anywhere close to locate a copy, check them out on the net or follow Derek Motions wonderful witty blog at http://typingspace.wordpress.com about all things literary from Wagga Wagga.

Oh, and in case you were wondering about said poem, I reproduce it here. Mind yourself on the rude bits.

Sigh. Fame.

Must work on Fortune next.

After

There are moments
pinned to you
as latent engrams
when a life coagulates in one drop:
sweat water saline blood ink semen

don’t sweat it:
one trickles down my freckled breasts
drops on the tiles I’ve mopped badly
so that the grime line is visible under the steel refrigerator doors
where I retrieve the bowl of Nectarines Aux Armagnac for the portly businessman
with the lechy colleague who asked me if I was aware of my own destiny
sniggering at the waitressy reply I give
since it would belittle me to talk philosophy
with a man who spat in his hors d’oeuvres so his partner would not try them

her hand wore
my raven ring:
the room intense with cold
when she took the whole pack of morphine pills
downed with the tiniest sip of liquid to avoid the retch reflex
the 400mg calculated by
current weight of seven stone (but does that include the lumps?)
three days before
my first birthday without a mother

I touched her shoulder
and wondered if we would hug today:
since her husband declared he no longer loved her or their two year old son
but preferred Natalia who had long straight hair and looked like
the photos of our mother in her sixties mini-skirt and kohl
who made jewellery for women to wear whilst fucking with their husbands
She was slumped into rolls of fat breasts and belly
and my hand didn’t span her upper arm
which used to look like Kate Moss’s
protruding from her pulling dress with spaghetti straps from Jakarta
when the only tears she shed were for
boys who looked like girls
or her mutilated grey Siamese

dropping the pizza
off the edge of the perfect white plate:
to stare at the amniotic fluid pooling under my table on the laminate flooring
you laid by hand on your cracked knee for three days with Brad
while you looked for the watch timer you forgot you were wearing
and I stared at the black interior of a holdall containing the doll sized nappies
I doubted I could fasten around the waist of a doll let alone a red faced squalling thing
with heart and lungs and pearlescent fingernails
that you would hold in your arms two hours later
while I investigated the hospital shower stall
and watched paint red blood
cascade down my inner thighs
to swill with water down the Art Deco floor grill

a sable brush
with a thick handle shaped like a carved chair leg:
made sweeping calligraphy flow across the stretched cotton frame
of the T-shirt that Caisa hung in her flat in Göteborg the one she was wearing in the photo
when we saw Ulrika
outside the museum on Götaplatsen
and I stood in the window next to some Europeans and thought will I always feel English
unable to see the future where my children speak Valenciano
and I read the digital European news emailed to me because
I need to find out if they’ve printed the article about our battle
to save the Carrascal Mountain from urban developers
or if my poem’s in print
on that forum

a tree stump
near the London to Cambridge railway line:
in the shade cast behind the corona glare of a station lamppost
his penis constricted by the black mesh of my fishnets I refused
to remove, his penetrating finger adorned me with the scarlet blush
of my first orgasm
caused as much by the sight of his purple prick dripping
as by the hoot of the oncoming train
and the backdraft whoosh
and the stars coming back into view

after.

Forest Edge?

Hey! Here's my Christmas plea, Santa.

Can you please very quickly re-make Mirrors Edge but set it in a forest environment with rope bridges swaying between trees, and dangling creepers along tip-tilting fallen trees, and strange bird calls, and forest noises and rainfall through the canopy, and impenetrable bush areas, and lush exotic blooms and foliage, and possibly a few poison-dart firing adversaries and illegal loggers and chemically-polluting cocaine-traffickers to dodge, and some new plant and animal species to discover, and maybe, just maybe a cure for cancer in the form of parasitic wasp nests?

Pretty please?

Cos I'd love that and it MIGHT turn me into a gamer, and my other half would be awestruck with bliss. So that would kind of be my ideal Christmas prezzie, really.
Cheers.

Oh, hope the elves aren't giving you any gyp.

See ya soon, usual time and place. Whisky toddy and mince pie awaiting.

XX P

The Public are a bunch of Nazis

Do we really think The Public deserve the right to have a say? Freedom of speech is enshrined up there with democracy and justice, but it has come under increasing fire in my house this weekend.

Katie Price walks out of the jungle - because The Public consistantly vote for her to be demeaned, punished and ridiculed, displaying their unpleasantly vindictive side. Because? She split from lovely cuddly Peter Andre?

The Public have kept the Jedward Twins in the farcical 'singing' competition that is X Factor, purely to spite Simon Cowell and to fulfill their need to snigger at someone more inept than themselves in the tabloids and on TV.

And The Public will also moan about the depictions of violence in Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds, along with side complaints about having to 'read' most of the film, with its hours of subtitles. Hypocritical behaviour since the Reservoir Dogs director has been flogging this particular brand of cinematic violence for some time, garnering himself numerous accolades in the process and Hollywood's finest are simply queueing up to be featured in his next gore-fest.

If we really don't like seeing violence, he wouldn't be a wealthy, world famous cine-bore, would he?

So we conclude that The Public is a nasty, spiteful, selfish, greedy, vindictive many-headed monster that consistantly lets us down as a civilized society. Hence why the Nazis did so well in the first place. And yet to deny The Public freedom of speech, or democratic powers to vote (or indeed the right to breed...)leaves us all vulnerable to the worst forms of oppression via dictatorship. Out of the frying pan and into the fire?

I suggest that we target our vitriol more carefully in future. Can we even rid ourselves of the festering sore of reality TV? Stop picking at it for more cockroach-crunching stomach-churning moments? I would sooner see wall-to-wall Tarantino before the watershed so that we can educate our kids to analyse and learn from its overblown seditious attraction. We all want to stop and look at a road accident. Some of us become doctors as a result.

Can we drag the standards of tabloid journalism back up to a semblance of pre-school literacy? Write the odd feature ABOUT something - anything - where evolution is taking us, what can we learn from exploring other planets, can anyone work out what the God particle is or how to counterbalance Google's censorship of world information?

All those in favour of a return to education, comment here please.

PS Have I missed the debate where we point out that Tarantion's deliberate misspelling of his title is supposed to remind us that he is re-writing history on purpose? Reclaiming the Nazi story, just like NWA took back the N word? Social commentary about our dumbed-down society? Yeah, I know, just to encourage this sort of debate to rage all over the internet advertising his big ole movie for free...

Room on Fire

There's no such thing as writers block if you've got an album by The Strokes and a filthy oven.

Google me?

I was lying in bed the other morning in that pre-awake state where daft ideas seem like genius. Thinking someone should write a song with Google in the title - massive marketing ploy. But of course, I bet people have tried and Google just block it, since its a trademarked copyrighted name. But can they stop you writing potential song lyrics in a blog? And offering them to some new artist, like Rachel or Lucie, for their consideration?

For instance...

Go on and Google me
I won’t care what you see
I won’t know you, you won’t know me
Go on and Google me
It ain’t about the day I’m having
It ain’t about my lack of diction
It’s a work of art
Or work of fiction
Either way you’ll comment, fileshare, Digg it
Spread it round the office and finally bin it
People say it’s Tory or it’s Labour
Feral opinions, a burnt out nation
I hope you’re wiped by a scary Haitian
But it’s left me standing at East Ham station
Folks on their Blackberries, IPods, Twitter,
Shouting mundanities, her skirt don’t fit her
Acting like a pig in Armani glitter
No thanks, no smile, you just wanna hit her
Gotta go global or her ovaries’ll shrivel
Far as I’m concerned she can take this and swivel
Thinks her name in lights will be some protection
She’s just gonna give you a nasty infection (And I don’t mean viral)
Go on, go on, go on, and Google me
Go on and Facebook me
I am who I say I am
She’s such a sham
She’s just some leg of lamb
Go on, go on, and Google me
I wrote some stuff ‘n’ got it published
You read it, fed it to the masses, shredded it
Ain’t enough for you, I felt and bled it
It ain’t enough to put your heart on your sleeve
If it ain’t on CNN, they don’t believe
Gotta make a video that makes ‘em heave
Jackass atrocity girlfriend sleaze.
Look I ain’t done something on a global network
No X Factor, MySpace, Bebo jerk
It’s just me, just you, just Captain Kirk
Trying to keep my shit together and get to work
Then I remember, he tried to Friend her
Looked at her photos of her dog and sent her
An email, all friendly-like, chased her
Avatar all round a disco, and met her
In real time, he was her Global Defender,
And before I knew it he wasn’t mine.
So go on, go on, go on and Google me
Go on and Facebook me
You don’t believe a word I say
Can’t tell I’m here to stay
No shit for sale on EBay
Go on, go on, go on, and Google me
Go on, go on, go on and Google me
Go on and Facebook me
You think she’s really hot
I’m telling you she’s not
She ain’t got what I’ve got
Go on and Google me
Go on and Google me
Go on, go on, go on and Google me
Go on and Skywire me
Go on and Highwire me
Go on and Google me.

We need all the help we can get so...

I apologise for reproducing this without the web authors permission but I saved these hints from a site that seems to have been taken down now. Some great tips...

50 Ways for Authors to Make More Money
1. Write about topics that have longevity and market potential. Avoid books that act as cannon fodder for a publisher's pub plan. Even if the advance is OK, profitability comes from earning out an advance and earning royalties from future editions.

2. Choose your publisher carefully. Make sure that you're compatible with your publisher both from a topic standpoint and a philosophical standpoint. You will be judged by how well you fit into a publisher's notion of what a 'good' author should be. This issue is particularly true with respect to quality versus speed to market.

3. Get the best possible advance you deserve. Improving your cash flow can make a very big difference in your overall financial position. It also helps diminish your personal risk.

4. Get the best possible royalty rate you deserve. If you choose the right topics, and the right publisher, and write a good, well-timed book, the rewards can be massive, provided you have a decent royalty rate. Avoid trading advance for royalty rates. Work towards high advances and high royalty rates.

5. Minimize unplanned down time between projects. If you spend two to three months out of a year looking for work, you should work on shortening the gaps. Picking up a month or two to spend more time writing can make a huge difference to your profitability. You may even consider overbooking your schedule a little.

6. Don't spin your wheels. If something feels difficult, figure out a better solution. This is especially true when writing code or providing examples in a book. Don't reinvent the wheel. Instead, partner with people to get what you need. Don't procrastinate in solving problems or getting help. Little problems always get bigger with time.

7. Make your deadlines. If you just make your deadlines, you'll be in the top five percent of computer book authors. Sad, but true.

8. Be communicative. Ask for feedback, provide feedback, seek advice, and offer advice. It's a challenge to get good feedback when working for yourself. Without it, you'll never grow as a writer.

9. Organize your office effectively. If you can save just ten minutes a day, you can give yourself an extra week off each year. Or, you can use it to write another book proposal, chapter, or WFH project, or part of your next book.

10. If you're not currently using filters with your email program, you should look into it immediately, especially if you subscribe to a number of mailing lists.

11. Stay healthy and lead a balanced life. You'll be happier and more productive.

12. Understand your strengths and weaknesses. Call attention to your strengths and find help to fix the weaknesses. If you understand yourself, and have a desire to grow, you'll be able to offer a better product to a publisher and your readers.

13. Work with no more than two or three publishers. Learning how a publisher works is extremely time-consuming.

14. Stay on top of publisher payments. Don't let your money sit in a publisher's bank account earning your interest.

15. Don't pay for indexes if you c an help it. Eliminate option clauses and cross-accounting clauses if possible.

16. Rewrite competition clauses narrowly so you can do more than one book on a particular topic area.

17. Promote yourself as a brand whenever possible. Your name should become the most valuable asset you own.

18. Build assets that make you unique. These assets can be special contacts, market knowledge, or special writing ability.

19. Always be a professional. Never whine. Just get the problem fixed. Publishers don't want to hear all of your problems. They have enough of their own.

20. Consider hiring apprentice writers/researchers who can help you generate more books/pages per year.

21. Make sure you're planting the seed for future editions of your books with your publisher before future releases go into beta.

22. Never assume that a publisher will remember the best time to start on a revision. Revisions should be the most profitable writing that you do.

23. Work with more than one computer. Try not to put beta software on the same machine that you're writing on. Back up your data frequently. Make a real effort to develop an off-site archive.

24. Build good will with bookstores by participating in local events. Even a simple book signing can lead to referrals that lead to book contracts. Don't underestimate the power and influence of booksellers in this industry.

25. Market yourself online. Although it takes time, it's inexpensive and can pay huge dividends.

26. Keep a sharp eye on your personal finances. You never want to let yourself get into a desperate situation. Desperation leads to bad decisions. You should also set financial goals for yourself, and periodically make sure that you're on track. Use a personal financial planning package, and don't pay more taxes than you need to.

27. Know how many pages you can write in a day, and monitor performance. Push yourself to write just a little more each day. You'll never become a faster writer unless you try.

28. Write great TOCs. Shifting material around in a book after it is mostly written is a waste of time.

29. Submit files exactly the way publishers ask you to submit files. You never want to waste time going back to capture screen shots and reformatting text.

30. Don't leave permissions to the last minute. You don't want to have to pull stuff out of your book or off your disk right before it has to go to the printer.

31. If you're dealing with a novice editor be patient, yet persistent. You must get the answers to your questions in a timely manner, so you don't have to go back and change things later. Squeaky wheels do get more attention than silent ones.

32. Speak at events if possible. It is great exposure and you'll get in free.

33. Write magazine articles from time to time. It is also good exposure and leads to some interesting opportunities. If given the choice between writing a WFH chapter or writing an article, choose the article. It pays better.

34. Build a Web site where your readers can get to know you, and where editors can find you. Web search engines are the tools of choice for publishers to find authors. They also search Usenet. In other words, there's no reward in lurking.

35. Create your own listserv to develop a community around your readers. This can become a huge asset for you.

36. Don't upgrade your software right away. Try to wait for the first bug fix. Crashing machines really waste a lot of time.

37. Take Carpal Tunnel Syndrome seriously. Avoid it. Buy yourself a good chair, and set your desk up properly. The first time you feel pain, DO something about it.

38. Sell your unique attributes to publishers. Humility, while admirable, doesn't pay the bills.

39. Don't take your publisher for granted, and never let your publisher take you for granted. You should always be gracious, yet never ashamed to point out the good job that you've done.

40. Take vacations. Corporations don't give vacations to employees because they want to be nice. They grant vacations to keep employees sane. Insanity may be good for painters, but it's not good for computer book authors.

41. Expand your knowledge base by using multiple platforms. If you're a Mac author, buy a PC. Platform limitations can severely limit your career options.

42. Know when new software releases will hit. There's no sense writing a book on a software package with four months of life in it. Unless, of course, you're writing about Netscape.

43. Run some of your own numbers when considering a project. Create your own spreadsheet to determine, in your view, just what the potential earnings will be for the amount of time you spend on a project.

44. Don't work with or for jerks. Life is too short, and you'll waste a lot of time talking about and getting upset with the jerks you work with.

45. Become an expert (or non-expert) in more than a few software programs. Keep playing with the newest tools. Being the first on your block to get to know new software programs can lead to lucrative publishing opportunities.

46. Read other books and learn from other authors' strengths and weaknesses. You must know why a book became a best seller. Never assume that someone was just lucky.

47. Listen to your readers. You work for them. They really do appreciate your hard work and know when you're doing a good job, and they do tell their friends about you if they like your book.

48. Build enough time into your writing schedule for software problems and possible personal tragedies. Something always goes wrong. Professionals understand this and plan for these inevitable occurrences.

49. If problems arise, BE HONEST. Silly excuses sound like silly excuses.

50. If you're going to miss your deadline, let your editor know in advance. It's tough, but not nearly as hard as coming up with a creative excuse to describe why you missed the deadline.

Singular Cake : Mark II

I've been blogging under this title for some time, and occasionally people ask what it means and I refer them to one of my first blogs on here. (http://singularcake.blogspot.com/2006/05/greed-is-not-good.html) But it strikes me that its time for an update.

When I first devised the idea of a new religion called Singular Cake it was a flippant, provocative jab at the idea that anyone could be defined by their religion, anymore than you can categorize people by their skin colour, or their cushion covers. It then evolved into an idea I was proud of - about reducing our carbon footprint, taking each day only what we need - not what we crave, the idea that sharing shouldn't stop at childhood, and that if we all recycled a little more, (shared school runs or baked our neighbours cake when we bake our own,) the world would be less cluttered with our waste and less damaged by our insatiable demand for energy. It was still a dig at orthodox religions that shout 'I'm right, you're wrong!' from the treetops. It was my plea for a religion based on earth's needs that can be inclusive of all the religions including people who have no need for one.

I also happen this week to be working on a new book by Sam S. Nath that is due out soon that has some very interesting points to make about the connections between faiths. You can check it out if you like - http://thesecondcomingofdavinci.info

But now, the green approach has become a real and possible lifestyle choice. Web businesses are booming, where static offices with overheads cannot. Green is the new black. And wave after wave of websites are taking on board that we all have to be ethically more aware, sensitive to the impact we are having, and strive to continually push the envelope.

I want Singular Cake to continue to evolve. So I'm starting with a new wish. I would like global public transport. I would love some little entrepreneur to listen and see the potential in being the first to put their logo out there, their brand name for a world-wide transport network. Someone will do this. And you can tell your children that you read it on Singular Cake first.

WARNING!

No-one likes to be a sucker, but when you've been caught by some unscrupulous business it always feels better having a moan and imagining that you might stop some other poor fool getting caught out.

Flycell have been sending my mobile unwanted texts about music and celeb news. I have no idea how they got my number, but I do recall ticking NO - CANCEL to some pop up on the web, and thinking it seemed intrusive, because you had to confirm 3 different ways that you were not interested. All just to rid myself of a pop-up blocking something I did want to read.

Now I get my phone bill with over 40 unrequested texts for which I have been charged 30 cents a pop. My bill is higher than usual this month to the total of some 15 euros. Its not bank-breaking, but when I check out both Flycell and their parent or umbrella company mBlox on the internet, I see that this is their 'modus operandi' - billing people for pointless irritating texts.

Meanwhile, (and presumably to stave off several thousand lawsuits, denuncias and complaints) mBlox in the States is offering a Sender Pays Data service to businesses - their latest money-spinning venture. Sure, and the proof of this great idea is that they no doubt ahem, allegedly I mean, have a network now of thousands of disgruntled customers across Europe, whose details they may sell on to said businesses. They wouldn't be such bastards, would they?! I hope there is a huge lawsuit pending.

Please take heed. If you see even one unrequested text on your mobile in the name of Flycell or mBlox - immediately text BAJA (if you are in Spain) to 7837 to cancel this 'service'. There are numerous websites, Facebook pages and internet complaints raging about both these companies currently - it doesn't take much of a Google search to find them. So if you are reading this elsewhere in the world, do find your relevant local method to unsubscribe.

You can read more about mBlox here http://www.mblox.com/products/sender-pays-data/ and more about their record of complaints here http://blogs.mirror.co.uk/investigations/2008/06/mblox-fined-again-over-premium.html

Gee, I feel better for getting that off my chest. But I thought I was pretty internet savvy - so it hurt my ego more than my bank balance to be caught out. If you have a similar story , do spill the beans....

New Post, Old Post, Last Post?

By the time you have updated all your social media half of Monday morning is gone. Bang goes the plan to get ahead with work this week by writing from 6 til 8am before the kids get up. They could hear a mouse fart. In seconds I have jammy hands on me saying 'I've made you breakfast!' She's right. I feel like I AM breakfast.

Meanwhile I am trying to take the advice of one of the agents I approached last month who recommends that I re-title the book, and who felt that she wasn't 'caught up' in the writing. Godammit she will be after THIS re-write. I feel my gut bursting at the seams of my Hawaiian skirt as I metaphysically compress into a coiled spring of sheer writer-y dynamism. Kinda.

And now I must face facts that 27 minutes have expired and I have neither completed this weeks 100 landing pages, nor re-written the penultimate chapter, nor imparted a nugget of motherly wisdom to the 3 kids currently lolling on the sofa in the playroom. Still in their pjs. Or as T calls em 'My Ja-mamas'. Sigh.

The EU: Missing the point?

Why is it exactly that we are not prioritising language tuition among the countries of the EU? If we have the right to live, work and study across the EU, there must surely be an interchange across cultures and without language skills this opportunity will fail to promote harmony and achievement.

For example, every day in the Spanish village where I live, local Spanish people are faced with a multitude of foreigners, in many cases outnumbering those who were born here. In an horrendous display of ignorance and arrogance, most of the English that live on the Costa Blanca do not speak Spanish. They rely on Spanish services, whether that is Town Hall officials, doctors, teachers, lawyers, plumbers, waiters or builders, and expect them to understand English. Many Brits start up businesses here, own shops or carry out services aimed at their fellow expats, and do so without a clue of the national or regional language. Their businesses have English names, promote English imported foods and goods, and do so shamelessly without any attempt to integrate.

These same people complain that England is no longer their home because it is full of foreigners who do not speak their language or understand their customs. They object to refugees and immigrants taking lowly paid jobs in the UK or living on the dole. However, they expect to be allowed to work here without a smattering of Spanish, fail to understand local customs, working hours, fiesta traditions, systems of banking, schooling or medicine, and loudly disrespect the Spanish as if the locals cannot understand what they are saying.

If we want to stop civil unrest, and nip racist intolerance in the bud, I think that all the countries of the EU should offer basic language tuition along with the residency card. Your right to work here legally should be balanced with a promise to learn the language and integrate with local customs. This should be the case in ALL the countries of the EU, so that its many languages and cultures can flourish.

The need to dominate an Empire of English-speaking countries is a distasteful echo of the past, and it should be put to rest. Except in England, of course, where the ability to speak our native tongue and teach it to immigrant families should be high on the list of any politically savvy government.

I am Sci-Fi

The resurgence in all thing sci-fi comes as a huge wave of relief to most of us, and none more so than those of us who have been loving it in secret for years. In fact, it struck me the other day that the reason for this is that it appeals to the underdog in all of us. For instance, when I compare my search for a publisher to the struggle to acquit sci-fi of its geeky origins, I can draw a number of parallels.

I am a maverick – randomly educated, underemployed for years and still to hit my peak. I’ve been a music journalist, youth arts worker, cartoonist, landscape gardener, T-shirt designer, worked for charities, schools, NGO’s and small businesses, and throughout I’ve written and published comments which for the most part have fallen on deaf ears. I was either too radical, or too young, or too qualified for everything I tried. So I began to accept being side-lined and even took an obscure delight in the anonymity and freedom this gave me. Hey, I can write for anyone! Subsequently, I published articles in magazines in Canada, Spain and the UK, I began blogging, took a job working for the first English language national newspaper in Spain, wrote a film script and a novel , and started to enjoy the act of writing in a way that I never had before.

During this period we’ve seen sci-fi become viral across literature, TV and movies. Margaret Atwood can say she writes sci-fi now. JJ Abrams is laughing all the way to the bank. Blockbuster movies last year were almost unanimously tinged with spaceships, time travel and fantasy elements of inner or outer space. It’s time I stepped out of the closet and declared “I am SCI-FI”! (“No, I am Sci-fi!”)

Like the best trends, SF has come about now because we need it. We need to examine global issues, because our world has shrunk down to a tiny planet which can be traversed in a day. We’ll be out among the stars before you know it. We need to explore issues of identity and tolerance and boundaries. It is symptomatic of this genre that it tackles many issues and defies easy characterisation. Even the Bible of our times Wikipedia struggles to encapsulate it.

“Science fiction is difficult to define, as it includes a wide range of subgenres and themes. Author and editor Damon Knight summed up the difficulty by stating that "science fiction is what we point to when we say it", a definition echoed by author Mark C. Glassy, who argues that the definition of science fiction is like the definition of pornography: you don't know what it is, but you know it when you see it. Vladimir Nabokov argued that if we were rigorous with our definitions, Shakespeare's play The Tempest would have to be termed science fiction.”

So we need this geeky grown-up child called Sci-fi to raise its head now. When Robbie the robot was a fiction, it was easy for the mainstream to laugh at SF fans, but now that robots, technological machines and global politics are in our daily lives, the issues explored weekly by Adama, Apollo and Starbuck are relevant and topical. And sci-fi is no longer just for the lads who want to be Superman. Heroes, Lost, Alias, Dollhouse, Firefly, Farscape, Fringe, and True Blood are series with diverse themes but all have had pivotal roles for female actors, and avoid being pegged as science-fiction. Instead they inhabit a reality that encompasses far-out plots, gritty action and tangible characters whose lives mirror our own. Sci-fi has got its mojo back, and all the major players in film, TV, books and graphic novels are banking on this trend to continue into 2010.

So who’s to say that I can’t write a column on the comings and goings of the characters who populate these brave new worlds? Or that I can’t find a backer for my ethical sci-fi movie script? Or that being a forty-something female should deter me from applying for a job at Blackfish? Come on guys, if you believe Laura Roslin had the balls to make a good President, give a girl a chance.

"I want an Obama!"

Fantastic debate on Camerons blueprint for reforming government in the Guardian today. Read the article, but more importantly check out some of the comments from voters trying to poke through the mire with an enlightened stick. One comment made me chortle - "I want an Obama!" Yes, and I want him now!

The sad fact is that British politics is stagnating; for want of a good idea. Every new hire is told the same old drivel - "Come up with a great and inspiring new idea, only make sure the public will like it or you won't get elected." However, most people don't like being told that economic recovery will be torturously slow, that jobs are poorly paid and fleeting, that there are no easy solutions. But we have to talk to voters as adults - and as any parent, teacher or nurse will tell you, patience and hard work are the only options that pay off.

The reason some of us are so impressed with Obama is because he talks to us as adults. He inspires confidence, not by making grandiose promises, but rather by spelling out what we all know to be true - we have to find common ground and work together, and WORK HARD to make the world a better place.

I'm game, if you are. Let's stick around and see if any UK or EU politicians take a leaf out of his book and tell us what a hard slog we have ahead of us. And if new politicians rear their heads without a tuck box of Parliamentary expenses being offered as bait, will we see some progress on the political scene?

Whaaaa?

Stress evolves us.

So I am sure we're taking an evolutionary leap right now!

Think of that next time the bank refuses your loan, ups your mortgage payments without asking you, and then charges you for the privilege of owing them money.

Do you think we become immortal in the memories of others?

I hope so.

I'm planning on major immortality and I can tell you this. I won't be banking with Cam, Natwest, Barclays and Abbey National/Santander when I am.

The Jesus Myth

Something for all you Atheists out there this Easter...

Did you know that some historians believe our Easter Traditions predate the Christian worship of Jesus and instead reflect the pagan story of Attis? And in fact, even these pagan stories of a man born of virgin birth could have simply been a way to explain how Nature first grew plants from seeds on our newly evolving planet.

Check out this from www.religioustolerance.org

“Many, perhaps most, Pagan religions in the Mediterranean area had a major seasonal day of religious celebration at or following the Spring Equinox. Cybele, the Phrygian fertility goddess, had a fictional consort who was believed to have been born via a virgin birth. He was Attis, who was believed to have died and been resurrected each year during the period MAR-22 to MAR-25. "About 200 B.C. mystery cults began to appear in Rome just as they had earlier in Greece. Most notable was the Cybele cult centered on Vatican hill ...Associated with the Cybele cult was that of her lover, Attis (the older Tammuz, Osiris, Dionysus, or Orpheus under a new name). He was a god of ever-reviving vegetation. Born of a virgin, he died and was reborn annually. The festival began as a day of blood on Black Friday and culminated after three days in a day of rejoicing over the resurrection."

Wherever Christian worship of Jesus and Pagan worship of Attis were active in the same geographical area in ancient times, Christians "used to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus on the same date; and pagans and Christians used to quarrel bitterly about which of their gods was the true prototype and which the imitation."
Many religious historians believe that the death and resurrection legends were first associated with Attis, many centuries before the birth of Jesus. They were simply grafted onto stories of Jesus' life in order to make Christian theology more acceptable to Pagans. Others suggest that many of the events in Jesus' life that were recorded in the gospels were lifted from the life of Krishna, the second person of the Hindu Trinity.

Ancient Christians had an alternative explanation; they claimed that Satan had created counterfeit deities in advance of the coming of Christ in order to confuse humanity. 4 Modern-day Christians generally regard the Attis legend as being a Pagan myth of little value. They regard Jesus' death and resurrection account as being true, and unrelated to the earlier tradition.

Wiccans and other modern-day Neopagans continue to celebrate the Spring Equinox as one of their 8 yearly Sabbats (holy days of celebration). Near the Mediterranean, this is a time of sprouting of the summer's crop; farther north, it is the time for seeding. Their rituals at the Spring Equinox are related primarily to the fertility of the crops and to the balance of the day and night times. Where Wiccans can safely celebrate the Sabbat out of doors without threat of religious persecution, they often incorporate a bonfire into their rituals, jumping over the dying embers is believed to assure fertility of people and crops.”

So I can celebrate Easter and stuff myself with chocolate eggs, surrounded by fluffy chicks and bunnies, and if anyone asks I'll say its thanks to dear ole Attis, and I'm just helping Spring on its way.

Costa Collapse?

Small businesses are disappearing at a rate of knots across the Costa Blanca. The vast majority are foreign owned and run, although many Spanish businesses are also being affected. But traditionally business here has been handed down through family members along with premises or land, so a support network exists for Spaniards during times of recession. The Spanish character is also used to times of boom and bust, economies are made, some layoffs are seen as inevitable, the financial storm is simply to be weathered.

Foreign businesses on the Costas generally pay higher rents (often subletting premises) and have substantially higher start up costs, especially businesses that import stock from their country of origin. Their client network grows more slowly as they build brand new supplier and customer relationships. If an average business takes two years to turn a profit, foreign business can take twice as long, and have attendant capital loans/charges which may eat into potential profit if the original business plan was over optimistic.
The banking system in Spain is no friend to small business either, although the inflexible nature of Spanish banks has protected them from some of the excessive debts of the current financial downturn. Zapatero could reinvigorate the economy by encouraging banks to offer small business loans at lower interest rates, with longer loan periods in booming sectors of the economy such as computing and internet business, or green energy technologies.

With no social security safety net, many self-employed immigrants to Spain will be returning to their country of origin. The loss of this mini-invasion of entrepreneurs will be to Spain’s detriment, along with the dropping tourist figures, but it will see the Costas returning to a more Spanish flavour of business.

Brave New World Pt 2

Oh, historic day! I will look back on todays date and tell my children that this was the day it all changed.
"I was perusing some online news when I was struck by not one, not two, but three items of earth shattering importance. Firstly, President Obama's plan for a nuclear-free world was outlined,where he pledged a nuclear disarmament drive greater than any previously attempted and called for a ban on nuclear testing. I thought of Tsutomu Yamaguchi, the 93 year old Japanese man who survived both Hiroshima and Nagasaki and what he would make of it all. And I could see old footage scrolling before my eyes of CND hippies waving their placards in glee.
Secondly, I read that changes to UK law coming into force today allow parents with children under the age of sixteen to request flexible working from employers who are obliged to "seriously consider" any application and only reject it if there are "good business reasons for doing so". It's woolly, and only extends the law previously applied to parents of children under the age of six, but it heralds a new era for parents in the UK, who have suffered more than their European counterparts who have more holidays, fiesta days and time off with family. We want repsonsible teenagers then we expect them to become so without their parents influence, without time to talk through their issues? Roll on four day weeks and home-working and part-time hours for realistic pay.
But thirdly, and most spangly of all, today sees the official return of the Puffin Post."
I know there are adults the world over gasping and dashing to their desks to drag out dog-eared copies of that most-beloved magazine. The Puffin Post was around from the 1960's to 1980's to trumpet the latest childrens books from the publisher but also to provide a forum for book-mad kids everywhere to discuss, review and discover books and their authors. I was gobsmacked to receive a prize when they published one of my poems (aged 11 and three-quarters) and drove my mum mad harping on about it. I still have the edition with my masterpiece in. Wonderful rhyme and alliteration of 'mangold root' and 'mouldy old boot', and some inspired raving about witches that JKRowling no doubt plaguarised. I am thrilled to see its return just as my 10 year old daughter enters her book-obsessed years ( - a subscription will sort out her next birthday present perfectly.)
So, for anyone languishing in bed this morning without reason to be bold or brave, take heart from these global changes and kick-start your own renaissance.

Think like a winner?

A writer on LinkedIn's Spanish Connections group posted the following parable about the current global condition. Fow my Spanish readers here is the original and what follows is my poor attempt at translation (apologies Jérôme!)

Albóndigas con pan

Había una vez una persona que vivía al lado de una carretera donde vendía unas ricas albóndigas con pan. Estaba muy ocupado y por lo tanto no oía radio, no leía los periódicos ni veía la televisión. Alquiló un trozo de terreno, colocó una gran valla y anunció su mercancía gritando a todo pulmón:
"Compren deliciosas albóndigas calientes".
Y la gente se las compraba. Aumentó la adquisición de pan y carne. Compró un terreno más grande para poder ocuparse de su negocio, y trabajó tanto que dispuso que su hijo dejara la Universidad donde estudiaba Ciencias Comerciales a fin de que le ayudara.
Sin embargo, ocurrió algo muy importante; su hijo le dijo: "Viejo, ¿tú no escuchas la radio, ni lees los periódicos...?. Estamos sufriendo una grave crisis!. La situación es realmente mala; peor no podría estar!!".
El padre pensó: "Mi hijo estudia en la Universidad, lee los diarios, ve televisión y escucha la radio. Debe saber mejor que yo lo que está pasando..."
Compró entonces menos pan y menos carne. Sacó la valla anunciadora, dejo el alquiler del terreno con el fin de eliminar los gastos y ya no anunció sus ricas albóndigas con pan. Y las ventas fueron disminuyendo cada día más.
"Tenías razón hijo mío", le dijo al muchacho. "Verdaderamente estamos sufriendo una gran crisis".

MORALEJA
No sigamos hablando de crisis.
Hablemos sólo de hacer buenos negocios, buenos trabajos y buenas tareas.
Si nos programamos para fracasar, fracasaremos.
Si nos mentalizamos para ganar, ganaremos.
Es una simple elección personal.

¿Qué piensa hacer para ser un GANADOR?

English version
Meatballs with bread

There was once a person that lived next to a highway where a stall sold rich meatballs with bread. The vendor was very busy and therefore not listening to radio, or reading the newspapers or watching television much. He had rented a piece of land, placed a great sign on the fence and announced his merchandise shouting at the top of his lungs: "Buy delicious hot meatballs!" and people bought them. Doing so, they enlarged his bread and meat market. Then he bought a larger piece of land to be able to develop his business, and worked so hard that his son left University where he studied Commercial Sciences in order to help him. However, something very important occurred; his son told him: "Old man, ¿you do not listen the radio, nor read the newspapers. ..? We are suffering a serious crisis!. The situation is really bad; it could not be worse!!". The father thought: "My son studies in the University, he reads the newspapers, sees television and listens to the radio. He must know better than I what is happening. ..” So he bought less bread and less meat. He removed the fence sign, abandoned the rent of the land in order to eliminate some expenses and no longer announced his rich meatballs with bread to the world from the top of his lungs. And the sales were indeed diminishing each day. "You were right my son", he told the boy. "Truly we are suffering a great crisis".

MORAL: Do not continue speaking of crisis. We must speak only of good business, good works and good tasks. If we plan for failure, we will fail. If we prepare ourselves mentally to win, we will win. This is a simple personal decision.

What do you think YOU should do to be a WINNER?

It's so true

Forgive me for repeating this quote here:
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
-- Lazarus Long, Time Enough For Love, Robert Heinlein

Similarly, a writer should try everything once (bar the obvious or deadly) so that he or she can write about it with conviction. So consider that I may be embarking on a new programme to fill in the gaps in my knowledge and I will return to this blog when I am worthy of Heinlein's character's quote.

Six Impossible Things

I like to believe in impossible things, and as a fan of Lewis Carroll, I aim to believe in at least six before breakfast. Uncorrupt judges, my life made into a movie starring at least one of Meryl Streep's daughters, free lunches, public demand producing a hilarious yet educational videogame, first contact, a worthy Eurovision song contest winner...my scope is boundless.

Of the first, uncorrupt judges. I cannot go into detail but a friend's future may hang in the balance based on a judges decision. This is not something I want to be flippant about. Suufice it to say that this began the thoughtstream that led me to think six impossible things.

It is easily possible that my life story will interest one of the Streep daughters. Especially if she spends any time being educated in the UK and learns some God-awful swear words which she needs to put into practise. And if Parminder Nagra hasn't used them all up on ER. So less than impossible, but no nearer to likely.

Free lunches are only reputedly impossible. I have had some. Good ones. With free Margaritas on the side. (A long while ago, but thank you Clint Mansell.)

The educational fun videogames I think are but a nanosecond away from becoming reality, especially as I commented about them on the Guardian website this morning. But I admit this was actually during, not before, breakfast. So that scrapes in by a hair's breadth.

First contact. Is it impossible if it may have already happened but due to a Government cover-up we are all sublimely unaware of it? I think this counts. And if my plot for The Answer sees the light of day as a movie, I can dispense with first contact and a whole barrel of other firsts, so believing in it is not such a stretch as it might seem.

Which leaves only the worthy Eurovision winner. Saved the best til last. This will not happen til Hell freezes over, and the Devil gets matching lilac leg warmers and fingerless gloves. So I can happily go on believing in it, impossibly, and keep Lewis Carroll chipper too.

My favourite headline

Some days you are down and dreary. The world is heavy and you feel weary.

Then you read a Guardian headline that says:

2 March 2009: Morphs made by over 200 fans of Tony Hart form a flash mob of tiny plasticine figures on the ground outside the Tate Modern

...and all's right with the world! How can your spirits fail to lift when an iconic TV series of your childhood inspires such life-affirming behaviour. In grown adults.

Life as we know it

...could be all set to change now that I have located a hot-diggedy new location for us, just north of Barcelona.

Watch this space.

But do get in touch if you'd like to buy our bee-OO-tiful plot of land which is eminently suited to ostrich farming, bee-keeping or horse whispering, paint-balling or creating tree-bridges, or to be honest is ideal for growing blue agave plants to turn into tequila which can be processed into diamond slivers for use in industry. God's honest truth. Saw it in The Guardian.

Return to Blighty?

After my sister and her two kids returned to the UK to study after 10 years in Spain (and with fluent Spanish) it’s true I gave it some thought. However, owning a home here and having worked legally in Spain for more than 4 years, I wouldn’t be entitled to any sort of benefits or healthcare and would merely be joining the dole queue to look for work there. That is quite apart from my genuine love of Spain and the Spanish, how relaxed and self-confident my kids have become here, and how much greater our quality of life is – with more holidays and family time together. I don’t want to return to a country which jails parents of truanting kids, where teachers cannot touch a child with a grazed knee, or where teenagers are considered dangerous if they wear hoodies!

I may struggle to find work in this rural area and I am barred from voting in national elections as a foreigner. But along with my 3 daughters I am learning Valenciano and improving my Castilian Spanish, giving us great global options for future work, and opening up a whole new culture of books, films and theatre to enjoy. I have found work via the internet, and I waited just one week for an appointment at the brand new hospital in Denia recently. I have joined the APMA (PTA) and intend to get involved helping our kids Spanish school, will contribute to Parcent’s flower week in May, and will watch my youngest daughter take part as a ‘festera’ in the August fiesta. Good quality food is more expensive now in Spain than England, but wine, local products and town hall taxes are all cheaper.

If I am ever homesick for England it is for a lifestyle which I don’t think exists there anymore, and which instead I am recreating here, with the freedom, spirit and exuberance that the Spanish still enjoy.

The future is in the clouds?

It's not healthy to adopt a conspiracy theorist approach especially in these trying times we live in, so I will avoid the obvious comments, but what is the general consensus about the GDrive?

I suspect that for busy folk, always dashing from one location to another, Google's plans seem emminently practical. Instead of carting around a laptop or PDA or Notebook or Blackberry from meeting to meeting and trying to synchronise your notes later, you'll simply log in to the nearest pc and store your work online, without a care.

Well, of course you'll have concerns. How can that data be protected from prying eyes when you won't know WHO could be looking at it? There will no doubt be stringent security procedures, and you can use other back-up options if the data is particularly sensitive, so I think the GDrive WILL enhance our ways of working, after initial bugs are ironed out.

But it will feel a little like diving in the cyber deep end.

The Hunter - a work in progress

Jo soc un bon casador i tinc una mascoto i es diu CASPA. es un lleo. Un dia, vaig ixir a casar i Vam vorer una zebra i Caspa va botar damut de la zebra i la va matar i la va tirar davant de mi i vam nar a casa.

Quant vam arribar a casa teniem tanta fam que vam menjar tota la zebra i al final vam ixir a casar un altre vegada i vam casar un altre zebra.

My daughter has watched me typing feverishly this morning as I try to finish Chapter Fifty-Six before either the creative juices dry up or I am needed elsewhere. She studied me for several seconds before asking what I was doing. She indicated that I was typing in English, and deduced that it was some kind of work but when told it was a novel, said "Ohhhh, a story. Yeah I do those." She then hopped on my lap and wrote the above, before skipping off to torment her sister with an electronic drumstick (effective when snapped close to someone's ear.)

I doubt that she has written in perfect Valenciano; even with my vague knowledge I can spot several minor errors. But it seems more likely that she will win the Booker Prize than I, since I have still not published a novel and I am now in my 44th year.

World Domination or Communication?

In a country only slightly more than twice the size of Oregon, live some 42 million people. Including me and my family. The Spanish climate is temperate, with extremely warm summers, and mild winters where snow chiefly falls in the mountainous regions, missing a large proportion of the country.

There are 19 autonomous communities within Spain, (including the Balearic Islands and Canary Islands, and three small Spanish possessions off the coast of Morocco - Islas Chafarinas, Penon de Alhucemas, and Penon de Velez de la Gomera). Within the communities, Castilian is the official language nationwide, spoken by 74% of the population (Catalan is spoken by 17%, Galician 7%, and Basque 2%. These languages are official regionally.)

My kids are growing up speaking three languages, in three distinct settings. English is the predominant language at home, Valenciano (variation of Catalan) is the designated language at school, although they also have lessons in Castellano and English. Castellano is also spoken widely in this area where so many European settlers live or where the Spanish are not all native Valenciano speakers.

We are a living experiment.

Bombarded daily with phrases from Spanish TV, Valenciano slang in the streets of our village, and the overwhelming American English content from film, TV and radio programmes, we are stuffing our brains with language content that actually covers the greater proportion of the globe. Spanish is spoken by 500 million people all over the world, and it is the first language for about 300 million people. Approximately 375 million people speak English as their first language. But although English today is probably the third largest language by number of native speakers, (after Mandarin Chinese and Spanish), when combining native and non-native speakers it is probably the most commonly spoken language in the world.

With the internet and computers predominantly English too, the world is becoming globally accessible in a way that it never has been before. I wonder what our future will hold?